So my heart and brain are currently at war with each other. There is a distinct stigma in our society that to have any kind of weight loss surgery is to take the easy way out. That it’s just as simple as eating better and exercising. My heart can’t seem to let go of the feeling associated with this stigma, of feeling like failure because I couldn’t do this “on my own”. However, my brain knows that I need the help. That if I could have done it on my own I would have done it by now, and that there’s nothing wrong with seeking all the help I can get in whatever form is available to me.
Maybe it’s also a slight case of cold feet. I can’t stop thinking about it, analyzing it. Should I really have it done? Couldn’t I just work harder at dieting? It’s a major surgery and a major permanent change to my life. Is it worth it? Of course I rationalize it all out and I’m not going to chicken out, but at the same time my heart and brain just won’t shut up. I’m one that tends to overanalyze everything anyway, so that doesn’t help. I educate myself as much as humanly possible about a subject, then make a decision and a plan, and then move forward towards whatever the end goal is. I do this with everything, even when my husband and I started talking about getting pregnant way back when. And once I make my decision and plan there’s no going back for me. That’s just the way I am, so I know I’m not going to back out, but at the same time I can’t stop thinking about it. This time I think there’s such a thing as knowing too much….